Book Review: What Not To Say At A Funeral by Amy Havis

What Not To Say At A Funeral: An Unexpectedly Humorous Guide to Showing Up When It Matters Mostby Amy Havis

pub date: 06-Oct-2026 Left Field Publishing

It was serendipitous for Amy Havis' What Not to Say at a Funeral to land on my NetGalley shelf the day it did. My friend died a couple days earlier and the funeral was less than a week away. When I saw that Havis mixes humor in with a serious subject, I hadn't even read a single page and felt like this book was meant to be my next read. The humor is not at all like a stand-up comedy sketch, though, it has potential if she ever wanted to do that. It embraces some snark about a mother who reaches her daily limit of people asking about her pregnant belly when she's expected to miscarry at any moment or have a baby who will only live for hours. Her first daughter was born with Turner's Syndrome. Her second, Hope, lived for two weeks due to HPE (her brain hemispheres didn't form properly).

I want to interject something that's not about this book specifically, but does relate to human behavior. Particularly on social media/TV, when something bad happens to someone. The audience and armchair psychologists think they know how someone should be behaving as if it's a performance to be reviewed. The moment someone who just went through a tragedy dares to smile, laugh, go shopping, or do literally anything that isn't hiding in bed not showering for weeks—vultures come out of the woodwork to varnish what they've witnessed with "deep dive" (they're usually unqualified to judge) analysis on that person's behavior. "What was that mother doing going shopping right after her child was a victim of a school shooting?" "Why weren't they home spending every second depressed and crying?" "Who goes to lunch and laughs with a friend after what just happened?" "Why is that woman (Jodi Arias) practicing Yoga in an interrogation room or going kayaking (Angelika Graswald)—after many hours when English is not her first language?"*

I appreciate how Havis explains that human beings need levity. She says there is a physical limit to somberness which will max out at some point during the mourner's day.

Havis' devout Christianity is, thankfully, not brought up a lot. It did help her get through literally the worst thing. I'm glad she had her faith and a community that didn't ignore her family's needs during that time. People sat with her. If they were uncomfortable doing something intimate like that, they still offered to bring food. Those meal trains are such a blessing when a family needs time to focus on their healing.

Those occasional anecdotes and examples of awkward interactions solidified this book for me. My family processes with humor too (sometimes extremely cringeworthy humor, but people try to be funny as a defense mechanism). That might not be your way of coping and you might find it crass. Don't worry, there's more to What Not to Say at a Funeral than comedy.

The book includes discussion topics and ways to take action. This is helpful in a non-fiction book about moving through something. There are millions of self-help books that either don't present things to do or they present only one path (practically cult language) with specific steps to be followed in order. Her actionable prompts are an enormous part of what make this book worth recommending. She also speaks highly of massage therapy. Though it might be something out of reach for a lot of people because it's seen as a luxury not a health maintenance practice, it's refreshing to have it validated. Also, if you can't afford an appointment, please see if there are local trade schools that offer it for a discount to be treated by students**. She states that she recognizes her privilege.

Havis has a substantial section of references in the End Notes which might also be useful for people seeking answers. There are sections repeated from within chapters of What Not to Say and What To Say at funerals. There are also discussion questions.

Another ingredient in Havis' recipe for how she got through the worst thing in her life was that she welcomed medication and therapy. It's truly awful to be in the wellness industry and have people offer their opinions (or flat out lecture) when they weren't asked. You do you. If you don't like medications to help you get through something as tragic as postpartum depression, then don't take them, but do not diminish what works for others (looking at you, Tom Cruise—backstory, his unsolicited opinion towards Brooke Shields not only made headlines, they were interviewed separately about it).

Something that wasn't addressed specifically is online comments. In the age 2026, platforms from social media to texting now include predictive text AND emoji responses. I've tried to respond, "love you" and the predictive text writes "love cats." Great advice, yes, but not what I was trying to say. There's little context when people leave online comments or direct messages. No tone. No hand-holding during the conversation. It can feel sterile. This is an area where I think Havis could have spent some time within a chapter or as a whole chapter discussing. There is a bulleted point in one of her many lists about social media groups specific to a person's situation. Unfortunately, Havis did not find them helpful because it often involved people wanting medical advice when those questions should be directed at their own doctors. It didn't have as much to say about the giving/replying of comments.

One other little thing that I felt could have been changed or suggested (maybe it was) by an editor was Havis' use of the word "teammates." She's a professional from the business world, a Fortune 100 company. Most of us aren't. Personally, I don't want business jargon in a book about grief. Using "teammates" instead of "coworkers" or "business acquaintances" felt icky to be honest. "Teammates" should be reserved for someone in sports, not people who are confined to cubicles that make the floor plans look like actual "rat race" mazes.

The book is set up to be read quickly with her personal stories from a given moment followed by things that went through her mind and tips that worked for her. I suspect her skills in professional communications guided her style for this book: chapters with titles telling you what's coming; lists; questions; charts; and, highlighted block text.

The US cover design by Kristen Gilligan features a solid sky blue background, san serif typeface, and a big yellow butterfly that seems generic rather than a particular species. The word "not" in "What Not to Say at a Funeral" is yellow while the other words are white allowing it to be emphasized.

"What Not to Say at a Funeral" by Amy Havis pairs nicely with Caitlin Doughty's books and videos.

Summary:

Amy Havis embraces some snark and humor in these tips and personal stories coming from her own place of grief. The book includes discussion topics and ways to take action. Havis has a substantial section of references in the End Notes which might also be useful for people seeking answers.

Rating: 5 stars

Publisher's Summary:

A humorous grief guide, Brené Brown–style. Want to help someone who’s grieving but don’t know what to say? A compassionate, practical guide to supporting people through grief. Drawing on lived experience and deep empathy, Amy Havis explains why common phrases often cause harm—and offers better alternatives that communicate care, presence, and respect. For readers drawn to BRENÉ BROWN, IT’S OK THAT YOU’RE NOT OK, and THE ART OF SHOWING UP. Not all losses come with instructions. And most of us are never taught what to say when someone is grieving—so we say nothing at all. After losing her infant daughter, Amy Havis came face to face with how ill-equipped most of us are—not just to grieve our own losses, but to support one another through them. Drawing from lived experience, real-life scenarios, and hard-earned insight, Havis offers practical guidance for friends, families, coworkers, and communities navigating loss together. Part narrative non-fiction, part social guide, the book invites readers to let go of platitudes, resist silence, and choose presence instead. For grievers and the people who love them.

---

* Unrelated to this book, I believe Jodi Arias was guilty, but Angelika Graswald was not. Yet, both practiced Yoga in the interrogation rooms where they had been kept for hours. Angelika went kayaking which was an activity she and her fiance loved together, but it happened to be the circumstances surrounding his death.

** Brought to you by a former massage therapist.

^Back